So, today I'm revamping the extra long post about Jellybean and her ADHD/mood disorder. At the end, I'm going to give a little update on how things are going now, because, after reading all of that, you truly deserve it. I figure that God gave me the life He did for a reason, and if my experience can help someone else, then I am already doing that.
Spilling the (Jelly)beans: Living with ADHD and Mood Disorders
**This post is not my usual humorous post. It is a serious one, perhaps in some places, a sad one, but it is important for you to know because it explains so many things.**
10 years ago, my heart was captured. I knew from that moment on, my life would never be the same. It was love at first sight. I never imagined that I could love such a little person with such a big love. She was an incredibly easy baby, cutting her teeth without so much as a painfilled cry, always managing to come out ahead on her milestones, walking and talking, and singing her ABC's by the time she was two. She's always been a bit stubborn, but what toddler isn't? She was also always very busy, busy, busy. She definitely was not one of those babies who can sit still while you read them a story, not by any means. Most of her behavior as a baby was normal and expected.
As she graduated from toddlerhood to preschooler, her stubbornness became a bit more prevalent, and a lack of respect began to surface. As she entered kindergarten, it was obvious that she had other issues going on, but because of a couple of traumatic experiences that she had when she was 4, we figured it was just a reaction from that, and left the door open for her to talk about them as she was ready to.
Little did we realize but that she was already exhibiting several of the key symptoms of "ODD" (Oppositional Defiance Disorder): excessive arguing with adults, active defiance to adults and especially the rules, doing things to deliberately annoy someone else, always blaming someone else for her mistakes or misbehavior. She began stealing things from the other students in her class, and from her teacher. She was stealing things from our bedroom and hiding them. She had no clue why she was stealing, even though she knew it was wrong. She also began lying, more so than is natural for children her age. She didn't seem to care about anything at all, and discipline was testy. What would work for us today, wouldn't work for us tomorrow. To us then, her behavior seemed deliberate because when she really wanted something, she seemed to know how to be good.
It's a very hard pill to swallow thinking everyone else thinks your child is bad (or you are in need of some serious parenting skills). You know your child isn't bad, but out in public, people's reactions to her behavior lead you to think you've somehow turned your child into a spoiled little unsociable brat. You turn on the punishment trying to correct the behavior, and the cycle just keeps spinning around and around, and around.
Fast forward 7 years, my beautiful child is blooming. She has her own opinions, her own ideas of how the world should work, and she has hopes and dreams for the future. She is one neat little package. She has her own style, and she has the confidence to display it.
She's not afraid to lift her voice and sing as loud as she can to Taylor Swift or any other song she knows on the radio. She sings in the shower a perfect rendition to Teardrops on My Guitar. She is fast on her way to becoming a star. She is now a big sister, and her whole world has changed. She's no longer the only person her mom has to pay attention to. Now she not only has to compete with GC, she has to compete with this cute, can't do anything for himself, baby.
Whatever symptoms were still locked away are now all the sudden rearing their ugly heads.
As much as I love my daughter, it was heartbreaking to realize that her behavior was pushing me away. It got to the point where I was once again considering sending her off to one of those correctional type schools because I just couldn't handle it anymore. She started stealing again, vandalizing her school, etc. Now she was also yelling out "I hate you" and other hurtful things whenever she was angry and not getting her way. She became physical, kicking and punching and hitting. Her temper tantrums began to flare. The battles became more frequent and we were winning fewer and fewer of them. I could no longer trust her to play with Scooby because she was very rough with him. She pushed him, or smacked him for no reason at all (beyond normal sibling rivalry).
What am I supposed to do? How can I choose one child over another? I can't do it. I love them both. It was truly heartbreaking to have to worry about protecting one child from the other. It still breaks my heart. This is not at all how I had imagined my life and my family 8 years ago.
She is the perfect child. She knows how to throw the perfect temper tantrum, say exactly the most perfectly hurtful things during an episode, and she's also perfect at laying the blame everywhere but on herself. She's perfect at doing a lot of things that get her in trouble. She's very friendly, but doesn't really have any friends. No one understands her, least of all herself. She wants to please you, but she doesn't always have perfect control over her feelings and emotions. She often has bursts of energy that make you want to climb up a wall.
It was just so frustrating because it seemed like when she wanted to be good, she was very, very good, and the rest of the time, you didn't want to go anywhere with her. You'd think that she is in control of her behavior. I had the traditional mother guilt too, worrying and stressing over how I contributed to make her behave this way, where did I got wrong, did I not discipline enough? It had to be all on me, after all, she is just a child, right? My beautiful, strong-willed, spirited daughter, how could it be? How had I failed you?
I have to admit that I was incredibly stressed and frustrated with her. I was so stressed with her behavior, I just couldn't take it anymore. Just before she started school in the Fall of 2008, I decided it was time to take action. It certainly isn't fair to her for me to feel the way I do, and it definitely isn't fair to her brother to take the brunt of her anger, or her father, just because he is there. My feelings of guilt and having failed her somehow certainly didn't help the picture either. With a heavy heart, I signed the whole family up for in-home counseling as a last resort. They came in and did an assessment, and gave me an unofficial diagnosis. She has Oppositional Defiance Disorder coupled with ADHD. I've never heard of ODD, so it was to the internet and research for me.
Somehow once the counseling started, things seemed to get worse, not better, as you'd think they would. We had to stick with it though, because I am determined not to lose Jellybean. We had to totally change our way of thinking, our ways of disciplining, our ways of praising, or not praising. ODD and ADHD perfectly explain why our techniques didn't work in the past. They perfectly eleviate that pain and worry that I had failed her somehow.
Now, the understanding can begin. The changes can begin.
And so did the meltdowns. At first they were just over little things like my putting mushroom soup in the hamburger. All the sudden, everything you say becomes debatable. Everything you do becomes questionable. There is an explosion. Strikes won't work. Remaining calm won't work either. Everything begins to escalate. Favorite toys are taken away, waterworks begin. Foul words spew from her beautiful lips, and I start believing my child is being possessed.
And that's when it gets really bad. Because then it can get violent.
Restraining my child is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It feels so wrong on so many levels. The vulgarities that spew from the mouth of the angry child are no picnic either. I feel so lost and helpless during this time. I just wanna love on her like I used to, caress her cheek, smooth her hair, kiss her face, blow raspberries on her cheeks, make pbbbbblttttttttt noises on her belly, and tickle her armpits.
I don't want to straddle her, holding her wrists down to the floor, or with her arms crossed across her chest, so she can't hit me or kick me, or Scooby, or throw things around the room violently, placing everyone in the room in danger of being hurt. I don't like the helpless feeling that comes over me, and knowing that I just might have to call 911 and get police assistance. I can't release her or the kicking and punching resumes. Nothing is working to calm her down. I have a baby and another child that are in danger during this manic episode. I make the hardest phone call of my life and call 911. Finally, she gets calmed down, and the police officer scares her enough that she snaps out of it.
The worst part is, at least for me, when its all over with, she pops up like nothing has happened. It's like she has no clue what triggered the episode, but she got it all out and everything is copacetic. I don't understand what has happened, and her friends who have witnessed certainly don't understand what's going on either, and they end up being alienated. My poor beautiful crazy child. My heart is broken for her.
Over the summer of 2009, I was able to get an actual diagnosis for her, and they confirmed what the counseling group had said: ODD with ADHD. The next step was to get her medicated since she was clearly in need of it. That finally happened in November. She is prescribed the lowest possible doses of Metadate and Tenet, and we continue on with our lives, and restart the counseling since it was again needed.
At school she seemed to be doing well, except for minor issues with homework, and some stealing and lying issues that were dealt with. At home, though, she is a completely different child. She is still the hateful child, who will explode at the drop of a hat over anything and everything. She no longer needs to be restrained though, since the medicine is helping to control her explosiveness, and I can even see her thought process being clearer, that she is slowing down and thinking things out, able to sit and complete projects, etc. All things she couldn't do before.
That changed in February. We don't know what caused the change, but it was terrible. Even at school, a notable difference was occuring. She was alienating and verbally bullying her classmates and friends. The lying and stealing was out of control. The mood swings were terrible. Something was going wrong. The medications were not working. Things were escalating out of control very quickly.
Both her teacher and her counselor were key to getting her medicine changed. Her psychologist realized that her behavior at school was completely opposite then it was at home, which was contrary to what was originally said. He said that she couldn't be ODD, because it would be the same at school as it is at home. He said it seems more like a mood disorder, and changed her meds to accommodate a diagnosis of ADHD with a Mood Disorder (NON-No Origin Known, or in layman's terms, its not any specific one). (I have since discovered that many children diagnosed with ODD were actually suffering from a mood disorder and wrongfully diagnosed. When you get to the core of it, it makes sense. The signs are very much the same). We are now facilitating the help of Wellbutrin and Resperidol, and after a shaky start, and with a few kinks, things seem to be finally, at long last, calming down.
Like ADHD, I am hoping that she can outgrow the mood disorder, that perhaps once her hormones calm down (but as a woman, do they ever?), her sweet self will emerge without the need for medication. This is my hope. My whole goal right now is to get her normal, feeling normal, and making friends that she can keep for a lifetime, share fond memories with, and think back when she is my age about all the fun she and her besties had. Making sure that she is getting the full benefit of her education, because she is super scary smart, maybe even gifted, is a goal that both we and her school share.
I also have a lot of learning to do. I need to relearn parenting skills, find creative discipline techniques, be more open with my praise. I am willing to do whatever it takes to give her the best possible life, just like I dreamed of when she was still kicking my ribs inside my belly 10 years ago.
I love every little part of her from the inside out. Together, she and I, and the rest of our family, will figure it out. It won't always be like this. At least I can claim that every day is a new adventure. There's no such thing as predictability in this house, and that keeps life interesting. As rough as life may get, and as much poop as it tries to sling at us, I wouldn't give it up for anything.
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Now to provide with an update:
Since I wrote this, her meds have again changed. She spent the summer on Resperidone (the generic for resperidol) and her weight gain was awful. She went from a size 8 to size 14 virtually over night. And I found out that resperidol increases your risks of adult onset Type 2 diabetes, and since I am a diabetic, her chances are already higher that she will end up with this as well. So, I had to put a stop to it.
She started Geodon in late August. It comes from the same family as resperidol, only it doesn't case the weight gain. So far, so good.
As for everything else? We still have our battles, and there are some things that are not quite normal, but overall? She is a typical 10 yr old girl going on 16, and that alone scares me.
Thanks for taking your time to read the novel. I have the best commenters ever.
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