Entrant No. 2 into the *Tournament of the Races* Whitey Bracket: Julianne Hough

She's the least sexy beautiful women I've ever seen. It's almost as if she's in a fake relationship with a closeted gay man.

(waiting)

(still waiting)

And we're good.

Anyway, you know her from Dancing with the Estrellas where she was matched up with what looked - from this picture at least - to be a mildly retarded Pete Sampras.

She's truly stunning. And wonderfully talented.

On mute:

Michelle Saram, 6.12 Girl of the Week & entrant no. 16 in the *Tournament of the Races* Asian Bracket.

50 % Chinese. 50 % Indian. 81.25 % Unknown to any one besides horny guys that live in their mom's basement. She exemplifies the spirit of this bracket in oh so many ways.

You know, Snoop Dogg once said,

"Look here bitch, you fine and I dig your style;
Come fuck with a nigga, do it doggy-style."

I like that one. But I like this one more, also from Snoop:

"Spank was really my first love - not that I didn't love my wife, but when he was born, it was like my first love was him. I never knew about those kinda feelings and shit before."

Now replace "Spank" with this bracket and replace "wife" with my right hand and high-speed internet porn and you'll have a perfect representation of how I feel here in this moment. Also in this moment, I feel I should not have made a beat-off reference in the same sentence that already referenced a baby named Spank.

Anyway...

....Your Asian Bracket contestant recap in no particular order - all former girl of the week winners (with the exception of Scherzinger, Kardashian, O-Ren & Shahi who was once a runner-up to my Mom!):

1. Jessica Gomes
2. Olivia Munn
3. Jamie Chung
4. Kristin Kreuk
5. Arianny Celeste
6. Nicole Scherzinger
7. Shay Mitchell (the evolutionary Scherzinger)
8. Jarah Mariano
9. Olivia Lufkin
10. Freida Pinto
11. Shermine Shahrivar
12. Vanessa Hudgens
13. Kim Kardashian
14. O-Ren Ishii
15. Sarah Shahi
16. Michelle Saram (current)

I will be releasing photos of all the bubble girls who had their bubbles popped with relative frequency over the next few days. They all have many strong features and deserve to have a brief moment of spotlight but I, unlike the NCAA, am not willing to expand. I mean, obviously, if I were a greasy fat cat making Scrooge McDuck sized vaults of paper off of dumb-dumb college kids I would do it faster than you could say "exploitation". But I digress. After the girls who missed the cut are announced, I will release the seeding and opening round match-ups. Only then will I move on to the already gaining steam Whitey Bracket. Thanks for your eyes.

I'll leave you with her song:

He's dripping with more cheese than a stack of Gorditas.

Yeah but still.

Sarah Shahi, entrant no. 15 in the *Tournament of the Races* Asian Bracket.

Because storms are brewing in those eyes.

You know theme songs are an integral part of this Tournament, but this is outrageous.

From the USA Today:

In second grade, Shahi changed her name from Aahoo to Sarah. "I got tormented," she remembers. "Kids were calling me 'Yahoo,' 'Awahoo' and 'Achoo.' I wanted to be Vicky from (the TV series) Small Wonder, but my mom didn't like that name. We were listening to the radio. The song Sarah was on, and she said, 'What about Sarah?' I said, 'Fine. I'll take it. Anything other than 'Aahoo.'"

That story is exactly one letter away from being touching instead of silly.



(gulp)

Anyway...

Your Asian Bracket contestant recap in no particular order - all former girl of the week winners (with the exception of Scherzinger, Kardashian, O-Ren & Shahi who was once a runner-up):

1. Jessica Gomes
2. Olivia Munn
3. Jamie Chung
4. Kristin Kreuk
5. Arianny Celeste
6. Nicole Scherzinger
7. Shay Mitchell (the evolutionary Scherzinger)
8. Jarah Mariano
9. Olivia Lufkin
10. Freida Pinto
11. Shermine Shahrivar
12. Vanessa Hudgens
13. Kim Kardashian
14. O-Ren Ishii
15. Sarah Shahi (current)

And we're down to 1

Lucy Liu, entrant no. 14 in the *Tournament of the Races* Asian Bracket

If I could enter her as O-Ren Ishii, I would. Actually, fk it, it's my bracket-

O-Ren Ishii, entrant no. 14 in the *Tournament of the Races* Asian Bracket.

Editor's note: Regrettably, I could not make her Girl of the Week because of her rumored connection to the the Isle of Lesbos.*

YOU LIE!

Anyway...

....Your Asian Bracket contestant recap in no particular order - all former girl of the week winners (with the exception of Scherzinger, Kardashian & O-Ren):

1. Jessica Gomes
2. Olivia Munn
3. Jamie Chung
4. Kristin Kreuk
5. Arianny Celeste
6. Nicole Scherzinger
7. Shay Mitchell (the evolutionary Scherzinger)
8. Jarah Mariano
9. Olivia Lufkin
10. Freida Pinto
11. Shermine Shahrivar
12. Vanessa Hudgens
13. Kim Kardashian
14. O-Ren Ishii (current)

2 spots left and the polls are now closed. Welcome to Florida.

*God's rule, not mine.

Buy this to wipe your butt with:

















Here's her entrance music. I couldn't have written it better myself. Especially that last line:



Thanks guys, for reading.

Kim Kardashian, entrant no. 13 in the *Tournament of the Races* Asian Bracket

Unfortunately, due to the dirty pool move of using multiple takes and precision editing in an effort to keep her hubcap sized nipples covered in her sex tape love video, she is ineligible for Girl of the Week honors.

However, her face is far too pretty:

....and her ass is far too fat:

...to be left out of this tournament.

Her entrance music:

:24


obvious runner up:



Editor's note:
Don't believe me about the nipples?

Refer to W magazine -the photos and her response. And keep in mind the fact that she's a slightly more assimilated to society version of Ashley Dupre.

Anyway...

....Your Asian Bracket contestant recap in no particular order - all former girl of the week winners (with the exception of Scherzinger & Kardashian):

1. Jessica Gomes
2. Olivia Munn
3. Jamie Chung
4. Kristin Kreuk
5. Arianny Celeste
6. Nicole Scherzinger
7. Shay Mitchell (the evolutionary Scherzinger)
8. Jarah Mariano
9. Olivia Lufkin
10. Freida Pinto
11. Shermine Shahrivar
12. Vanessa Hudgens
13. Kim Kardashian (current)

3 spots left bro

Buy this to wipe your butt with:

Girl of the week 5.29, Shermine Shahrivar

Normally I have this rule where I don't talk to - uh write journal entries with my mouth hanging open about - girls that have names I can't pronounce. This is in the same boat as me not eating foods with ingredients that I can't pronounce. Same boat, different seat on the boat...you get it right? Probably not because I'm idiosyncratic, but what I mean to say is that the "Tournament of the Races" has really opened my eyes to a New World. Like Colin Farrell in that Terrence Malick movie.

Anyway, without further digression, I present to you Miss Germany 2004 & Miss Europe 2005. Germany you say! Europe you say! I'll say? I'm going to go ahead and trust my baby browns here and put her in the Asian/(Middle Eastern) Bracket.

Every girl needs a theme song:



*Tournament of the Races Update*

I'm going to need Joe Lunardi, or better yet, Antonio Banderas doing a Joe Lunardi impression to help me seed this thing.

Anyway...

....Your Asian Bracket contestant recap in no particular order - all former girl of the week winners (with the exception of Scherzinger):

1. Jessica Gomes

2. Olivia Munn

3. Jamie Chung

4. Kristin Kreuk

5. Arianny Celeste

6. Nicole Scherzinger

7. Shay Mitchell (the evolutionary Scherzinger)

8. Jarah Mariano

9. Olivia Lufkin















10. Freida Pinto

11. Shermine Shahrivar (current)

With only 5 spots lefts I will be accepting - though not expecting - fan submissions.

Buy this to wipe your butt with:

5.22 girl of the week, Freida Pinto

The Jessica Biel of the desert.

Because India is Asia. Look it up.

Every girl needs a theme song

It should be noted that she comprises 1/2 of the 2nd most lopsided Hollywood couple behind only the Christina Hendricks-Geoffrey Arend tandem. Do your own Googling, I'm not decorating this beautiful post with sadness.




*Tournament of the Races Update*

Who could have ever predicted that an Indian girl named after a Mexican bean would be in the Asian bracket?!?! Even I'm mystified and I'm steering this retarded bus.

Anyway...

....Your Asian Bracket contestant recap in no particular order - all former girl of the week winners (with the exception of Scherzinger):

1. Jessica Gomes

2. Olivia Munn

3. Jamie Chung

4. Kristin Kreuk

5. Arianny Celeste

6. Nicole Scherzinger

7. Shay Mitchell (the evolutionary Scherzinger)

8. Jarah Mariano

9. Olivia Lufkin















10. Freida Pinto (current)

With only 6 spots lefts I will be accepting - though not expecting - fan submissions.

Buy this to wipe your butt with:

‎5.15 girl of the week, Olivia Lufkin

Because:
There's nothing like someone new,
But this girl she is nothing like you

If I had to describe her to the uninitiated, I'd say Christina Ricci if she was prettier.? Or Asianer?

                                                               
That's her sister on the right. Genes are funny. She wouldn't have cracked this list if I expanded the Asian bracket from 16 to 100.

Her theme song:



Apparently she sings too. She should stop:





*Tournament of the Races Update*

Who could have possibly predicted 2 Olivia's in the Asian Bracket.

Probably their white fathers, actually.

Anyway...

...Your Asian Bracket contestant recap in no particular order - all former girl of the week winners (with the exception of Scherzinger):

1. Jessica Gomes

2. Olivia Munn

3. Jamie Chung

4. Kristin Kreuk

5. Arianny Celeste

6. Nicole Scherzinger

7. Shay Mitchell (the evolutionary Scherzinger)

8. Jarah Mariano

9. Olivia Lufkin (current)














With only 7 spots lefts I will be accepting - though not expecting -fan submissions.

Buy this to wipe your butt with:

Girl of the week 5.8: Jarah Mariano

"Tyler, your racial bracket won't work because you'll never find another Asian as hot as Jamie Chung."

discrediting the Maxim top 100, one entry at a time.

because every girl needs a theme song:




*Tournament of the Races Update*

Your Asian Bracket contestant recap in no particular order - all former girl of the week winners (with the exception of Scherzinger):

1. Jessica Gomes

2. Olivia Munn

3. Jamie Chung

4. Kristin Kreuk

5. Arianny Celeste

6. Nicole Scherzinger

7. Shay Mitchell (the evolutionary Scherzinger)

8. Jarah Mariano (current)

...that leaves 8 to go

Buy this to wipe your butt with: