*Originally written on 1 February, 'o9
(updates in quotes 18 December, 10)
Just because you can't always remember, doesn't mean you forget.......
I know you all have been waiting for this. I must say my touch is unequivocally deft when it comes to facebook writing (really? don't strain your rotator cuff with all that back patting). But before I begin I must thank devon steiner (smash cut to Mike the Situation saying "wowwwwwww" and "reallyyyyyyyy") for her inspiration. without you honeyyyyy, this list would be nothing.
I, in all my polarizing glory, am sure my list will elicit quite an array of emotions from my fan base (surely the numbers have dwindled by now, I blame it on their fair-weather nature but secretly I know it's about my engine heart's rusted pistons). so, if you find this list offensive, go ahead and cut me from your friends list now. i hope you fall in drainage ditch on your way to church....and for the rest of you...dont hurt yourselves or cause a scene.
1. my strengths: i am 5-11, 142 lbs of physical and emotional perfection (wrong, wrong, wrong, dead wrong). i have this great olive skin and light brown eyes that can look debatably orange at times and curly hair that turns auburn and bone structure that screams to be touched (half-right). people refer to my back as the cobra because i can puff it out so wide (lie). the way my lats blend into my obliques is quite jarring. i have great biceps peaks and calves that make the david statue cry (cannot be confirmed or denied). the middle of my chest looks like a coiled fire hose. i am also really nice and down to earth and i HATE to talk about myself, which makes me a great listener (get outta here like last year).
2. my weaknesses: from certain angles the very tips of my ears look a little pointy (that's the truth).
3. my family: I am an only child but if you’ve met my dad, that is debatable. He is like the pimpest 60 year old ever. He is just like me except rich and blue eyed. He is also good at manly stuff like building sheds and chopping down trees and fixing engines. He thinks it’s hilarious that I struggle with such things. However in the past two months I changed a tire and my car battery….so there is hope (i am 2 out of 10 on the confidence scale that I could do either again). Have you ever heard that song carribean queen by billy ocean…well that is my mom. I think I have to credit drew with that one. Is it wrong for me to look at pics of her from the 70s and 80s to think that she is the prettiest girl ive ever seen. I mean she is so pretty that I would’ve been afraid to approach her. And I’m me. I have a baby puppy named grover. We call him gwoooooobie. Him hates mister tydee man (that’s what gwooobie man calls me). He is extremely protective of my mom and was very relieved that I moved to LA.
4. I am an actor. And a model. I have a degree in biology of all godforsaken things. I also have a grandmother…dad’s mother. and a great aunt janet…dad’s mother’s sister who are the family elders with a combined age of 184. Janet is not technically a kahl…but for all intents and purposes she is…anyway they think this whole LA thing is “gay business”. I tell them im like fred Astaire and that keeps them pacified if but for a few glorious minutes (2 years later we are still doing the same tango).
5. I don’t believe in being a vegetarian. I think that the animals would eat you if they were smart enough…. and had the means… and weren’t so contented by kibbles and bits. Grooobie man would eat mista tydee man in 5 seconds if mom didn’t grill him steak and I wouldnt break his skull before he got a bite. Also another cool fact about dogs and eating….they aren’t smart enough to understand they are full. They would eat all day if you kept giving them food. Don’t believe me…try it. Anyway back to my diet. Well it is perfect. Id describe it but that grobie story was priceless and I wouldn’t want to detract.
6 . My two favorite parts of girls are: 1)gordons and 2) back dimples. If you are a girl and you don’t know what this means you probably don’t have them. Also if it takes you more than 30 seconds to decide if you have them or a walk to the mirror to check and see if have them….. Again, you probably don’t have them (I stand by this but I also contend that neither of these traits are necessary if that makes sense).
7. I hate girls that wear those thick flip flops. If your flip flop is more than a half inch thick walk back in your trailer or walmart, whichever is closer. Also giant fake nails….those are the worst. Why would you want a frito on your finger tip. Also, if you have a bad stomach, for god’s sake don’t pierce it. Do not draw attention to a weakness. If you are going to tramp stamp it up, have a good lower back. Don’t tramp stamp something that hangs over the waist of your pants. If youre under 5-3, don’t wear those low jeans that show buttcrack. This makes your legs look half as long as your torso and that is the opposite of how god intended it (this sounds like Adam Carolla. If he were perpetually stuck in 9th grade).
8. Never date a 7 who thinks she is a 10 because her mom told her she reminded her of audrey Hepburn. You can never make this girl happy (No decorum, just a good fair lesson that I found out the hard way and as a direct result will be remembered forever. Proof that when it comes to growing, mistakes are far more influential than successes).
9. I hate 35 yr old backwards hat guy. Seriously you graduated from college over a decade ago. And get some shoes too. It is not appropriate to wear flip flops to a ruth’s chris. And get a shirt with buttons. I also hate 35 yr old pony tail man. Or 35 yr old football jersey man. or 35 year old earrings man. The list goes on (Carolla again. If he were rapidly depreciating in eloquence.)
10. I believe the best wardrobe for a strip club is mesh shorts with no underwear. Go get a lap dance in this outfit. Thank me later. And thank james w. too (Why are you still reading).
11. Speaking of strip clubs. My favorite strip club moment (new countdown/list) was when drew and I went to meet beetle juice from howard stern. There is a picture of the the three of us out there somewhere, most likely on the internet (can't find it). If you don’t know beetle juice well he is an interesting creature. I guess you could call him a human. At least partially. Well he is a little dwarf with an even littler head who is so retarded he lets people throw him for 20 bucks (I am a crude bastard).
12. keith ledger…or KL as we call him out here in Hollywood based the joker on tommy lee jones’ character from under siege (yes the one with steven seagal and the playmate who jumps out of the birthday cake gave me a 9 yr old boner. Mom was so pissed I was getting boners at 9. Thank my dad who has watched under siege approximately 245 times for bringing this to my attention..i mean keith not the boners (It's the truth but I ruined it being dumb - story of my life).
13. my favorite movie of the year is a tie between the wrestler and vicky Christina Barcelona. The wrestler because it is one of those rare movies where you cant envision anyone else playing the character but the guy who played it. These are few and far between. Anyone off the street could’ve played brad pitt in Benjamin button. But mickey rourke was the ram because in a lot of ways the ram was mickey rourke. Vicky Christina had special meaning to me because I swear my life inspired it. There is a certain Colombian I know who mirrors Penelope cruz in every way. I didn’t handle her nearly as well as the retard guy from no country for old men but otherwise the similarities were quite mesmerizing (afraid to say anything).
14. in my entire 26 years of unadulterated tyranny, only one person has ever truly gotten to me. Like being hit by a lightning bolt. One with blue eyes (wrong, wrong, wrong, dead wrong - not even in the same ocean as the boat).
15. my favorite tv shows are mad men, entourage and lost. I like mad men because don draper is about as pimp as it gets. It is back when men were men and didn’t swear scarves as fashion accessories and jeans with pockets that button in the back. Johnnie hamm is the coolest dude ever and I think we’d be pals (this actually made me lol). Also January jones has the second best eyes I’ve ever seen. Entourage is great because I am adrien and my pal eric is E. Even though the story of lost is more retarded than beetle juice I still love it because I love the characters. Isn’t that the point of a tv show though (outstanding point).
16. favorite actor is a little tougher because there are so many of them…I love bogie.so pretty much anything he is in is great. No one makes smoking look cooler…except lately our pal Donnie draper is makin a push. I also love steve mcqueen. He is the definition of cool……but if I had to pick an all time favorite it would have to be jean claude van damme. He was just the greatest. Splits no problem. I know it’s sacrilege but I like him even more than bruce and chuck. Sorry guys. I also have to mention paul newman here. I hate most dead people but he was awesome. On and off camera.
17. I don’t mess with virgins (ehhhhhh sometimes).
18. bill simmons and I have an eerie connection. Everytime I have a cool idea that fool steals it and puts it in his columns (or in reverse).
19. my favorite bands are brand new and something corporate. If my dad knew I listened to this crap Im pretty sure hed revoke my “kahl” and id just be tyler Benjamin. I just love girly sissy music…andy mcmahon and I have a connection we really do. And jesse lacey is a lyrical machine. honorable mention here is third eye blind (I met Stephan Jenkins and he liked me a lot more than my brother who liked him a lot more than I do. Isn’t that the summary of life in one tidy sentence.) and john mayer….side note to john mayer. He is probably one of the ugliest humans in history but he is a world class cocksman (I was just mad because the girl I like was in love with him - I rescind this comment). in my hollywood cocksman fantasy draft he goes round one. easily. his guitar mastery nets him jen aniston (and everyone else young and old that was ever on TV). So to all you uglies, there is hope. Get a skill. Preferably guitar. Study some Stevie ray vaughan..yea and some johnny too….alright hop to it
20. I love the movie beautiful girls…one of my fav monologues of all time was by that ginger Michael rappaport…he is so right about the models. …a beautiful girl is all powerful. And that’s as good as love. I also love American psycho. Speaking of great monologues….probably all of my favs are delivered by the ever so maniacal Christian bale as Patrick bateman here…however I have to mention alec Baldwin in glengarry glen ross. Coffee is for closers only. A-B-C. always be closing (solid life lesson).
21. sometimes when I look at myself in the mirror I make some prejac….drew says this means I like men. My mom says it’s because im a megalomaniac.
You know what, I don’t think im topping that one. At least not at this sitting. However, I’m not ready to declare this list over. So consider this the tip of the spear (truthfully, I lied). If you have questions or need further explanation, I can do that. I apologize if I didnt tag you. You can still read it. It just means you arent all that important to me (that was not a lie). However,I will not apologize for hurting your feelings or your mom’s feelings or your grandma’s feelings.. To quote my pal dave dameshek, it’s been a thin slice of heaven (oh how things have changed).
I might get married to this song too.
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