Tale of the Sucky Vampire

I will admit that I am a nocturnal creature. There's just something about the night that enthralls me. As I get older though, nocturnal habits are beginning to create problems of their own.

I used to have this thing for vampires. Creatures of the night like me, the whole forbidden desires aspect, and that they kicked butt just held mucho appeal for me. Well, that, and aside from the red eyes, they are hella sexy too. Especially the vampires of late.

Today though, I would make a horrible vampire. Seriously. I'm not afraid to tell you why.

Here's why The Drama Mama would make a sucky vampire:

• I would starve to death and my death would bring disgrace to vampires everywhere. And it's not a squeamish to blood thing, either. Blood I can handle. My disabling aspect is that I am blind as Stevie Wonder at night. I can have a floor free of debris and a chartered course after I turn out the lights and STILL stumble over my no-longer-sleeping husband in the bed, 8 feet off the ground. This does not bode well for my nocturnal adventures to find fresh meat.
• I would bring all the vampire hunters straight to the lair because of my not-so-subtle stomping. Seriously have you ever known a quiet deaf person? 
• My immortal years would end in early demise because if I didn't starve to death, my old joints would never move fast enough to avoid getting caught. That's if I could haul my fat butt fast enough to catch something in the first place.
• I would disgust myself. I'm an Italian food lover, and anyone who knows anything about Italian food knows its heavy laden in the garlic. I wouldn't be able to come or to go. I wouldn't be able to stand my own flesh. Yet I would still eat that spaghetti.

The only thing that would make me stand out as a vampire is my aversion to sunlight. Really. I burn, not tan. It's not pretty. So, I tend to avoid sunlight as much as possible, even though I have been told I sparkle.

So, tell me, what would make you a great or horrific vampire?