Tale of the Sucky Vampire

I will admit that I am a nocturnal creature. There's just something about the night that enthralls me. As I get older though, nocturnal habits are beginning to create problems of their own.

I used to have this thing for vampires. Creatures of the night like me, the whole forbidden desires aspect, and that they kicked butt just held mucho appeal for me. Well, that, and aside from the red eyes, they are hella sexy too. Especially the vampires of late.

Today though, I would make a horrible vampire. Seriously. I'm not afraid to tell you why.

Here's why The Drama Mama would make a sucky vampire:

• I would starve to death and my death would bring disgrace to vampires everywhere. And it's not a squeamish to blood thing, either. Blood I can handle. My disabling aspect is that I am blind as Stevie Wonder at night. I can have a floor free of debris and a chartered course after I turn out the lights and STILL stumble over my no-longer-sleeping husband in the bed, 8 feet off the ground. This does not bode well for my nocturnal adventures to find fresh meat.
• I would bring all the vampire hunters straight to the lair because of my not-so-subtle stomping. Seriously have you ever known a quiet deaf person? 
• My immortal years would end in early demise because if I didn't starve to death, my old joints would never move fast enough to avoid getting caught. That's if I could haul my fat butt fast enough to catch something in the first place.
• I would disgust myself. I'm an Italian food lover, and anyone who knows anything about Italian food knows its heavy laden in the garlic. I wouldn't be able to come or to go. I wouldn't be able to stand my own flesh. Yet I would still eat that spaghetti.

The only thing that would make me stand out as a vampire is my aversion to sunlight. Really. I burn, not tan. It's not pretty. So, I tend to avoid sunlight as much as possible, even though I have been told I sparkle.

So, tell me, what would make you a great or horrific vampire?

BSOW: I'll Meet Your Asparagus & Raise You a Turnip Green

Put on your dancing shoes and hit the ballroom floor for today's Best Scoop of the Week. Whether she is dealing with camera face,  struggling with her mirror image, or debating coffee, she manages to do it with humor.

She blogs about her selfless acts of love, gives motherhood words of wisdom, writes letters to celebrities, does the movies in full mommy style, and deals with the potty mouth only known by mothers of boys.

Who is this eclectic blogger you ask? She who can spit out poems that rhyme in a single leaping post? Why, it's none other than Jen, who does The Mommy Mambo and scores a perfect 10 every time.

I asked Jen: "If you were a vegetable, which would you be and why?"

If I were a vegetable...

     

Well first off, I like to think of myself as more of a dessert: something to look forward to, treasure and

savor. Like a meticulously stacked parfait or a delicately molded truffle.

Now you can quit laughing and I'll quit living in that fantasy world where I sit upon a pedestal and grant pleasant wants and wishes to all my loyal subjects. As of this Friday I believe I must give up all delusions of that throne. Come Monday bachelorettes and daydreaming house wives the world over will weep.

So back to the produce isle...

I would love to tell you I'm most like the Asparagus, long and sleek with a perfectly arranged head of leaves like a perfect hair style of curls. A vegetable respected by all and often paired with the choicest entrees and arranged with great care upon fine china.

But I suppose I better resemble a Turnip; round in the middle with lovely purple striations around the center, a bushy chaos of sorts on top, and dwelling in the rough and rowdy dirt of life with my 4 men. You know that vegetable cooked with too much bacon fat and often served along-side ordinary sides like peas and cornbread and all too often served on a Dixie plate. A vegetable often misunderstood and pushed away by children, but good for the heart and soul none-the-less.

Yup. Thats me. A Turnip Green parading around pretending to be an asparagus. 

But now that I've though about it I realize, as a Southern woman, Turnip Greens make it to more happy family tables than do asparagus. Tables surrounded by large families and friends laughing, sharing, celebrating, or just feeding the soul. And many of those folks round those tables would argue that you can't have Thanksgiving or Easter dinner without the Greens.

Guess that makes me pretty important, huh? 

I know at least 3 little veggie niblets who would agree.

Isn't she fun? Go over and check her out already!! What are you waiting for?

BSOW: Unofficially

Today's Best Scoop of the Week is no stranger to this blog. She's a regular commentor, more than deserving of the esteemed ice cream this week. She's funny. Incredibly funny. She has such an incredible outlook on life. She is a new mom. She's simply fabulous. She's also a fellow Red Dress Club member.

It is my pleasure to introduce you to Sara, the Unofficial Mom...





I asked Sara:

If you were a part on a car, which part would you be, and why?

I read this question and immediately went to my husband. He was a mechanic/in the automotive industry for many years, and I knew he would have my answer. He offered:

• ·         The seat because I like holding butts,
• ·         The trunk because I have plenty of junk to put in it, and
• ·         The wheel because I really get around.

After I told him to shut it and he finished cracking himself up, he finally offered the radio. I thought about it a bit, and while I was tempted to go with one of his original options, the radio seemed right. I’m a little bit all over the place, I can be entertaining, I can share info, I can sing really terrible songs or make completely inane small talk. Not to mention the fact that I could probably use some after-market upgrades. 

Basically I’m a little bit of everything. I can make you laugh, cry, shake your head and your fist…I’m sometimes the best thing you’ve come across in a long time and sometimes the most infuriating. Actually, now that I think about it, maybe I am more like a trunk…I do have plenty of junk for it.

She's back on Monday with a fabulous Guest Post. One more week of my fabulous friends and then I will be back. The moving is going, and we are beginning to get settled in to our new home. I will have lots of stories for you when I return. Thanks for the awesome comments to my guests these past couple of weeks!!